Her choice

She sat on the couch in my office and looked at me shyly. She was a small-framed woman, dressed simply, wearing no makeup. She was 28 but looked much, much older. I wondered about the pain that was evident behind her eyes.

She knew little of the testing that had brought her to me. She was very interested in what I had to say, hanging on my every word. I saw something new in her eyes. Hope.

She spoke to me in broken, heavily accented English. She pleaded with me to understand. She tried to explain. You don't understand. Its different where I'm from. He is my ticket out of that place. I have to give him what he wants. I already have two girls. I love my children. I have to protect them.

She is right. I don't understand. As a woman, the thought of what she has lived through angers and depresses me. As a mother of two girls, the situation she finds herself in sickens me.

In her culture, women are valued for their ability to serve men and their ability to produce children. Especially male children. As I looked at this woman on my couch, I had a passing hatred for this man that I did not and will likely never meet. I realize that this is judgemental. He, too, is a product of his culture. But I hate him for what he has done to this woman. I shudder to think of what will happen to her if she doesn't "give him what he wants."

I told her that it didn't matter if I understood. The testing was available and she was legally free to do with the results what she wanted. It was her choice. A choice that I fully support. I would not judge her for her choice. She thanked me profusely for my kindness during this frightening and emotional process.

Did I tell her the truth? Would I really not judge her for her choice?

I do understand that she is from a different culture. I appreciate the fact that she is protecting herself and her children.

But to consider what she would actually do if the baby was the wrong gender.... that is very hard to accept. I couldn't make that choice. But the choice is not mine to make. I don't live her life. I have no idea what her life is even like.

This patient weighed heavily on my heart and mind for nearly two weeks. I thought of her often. I dreaded the day that the results would come. If the results were what she considered bad news, how in the world would I make that call? How would I feel afterwards, knowing her choice?

The results came in today. I opened the file on my computer with dread and anticipation. My eyes took in the words that I immediately sought.

Relief. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.

I called her to give her what she deemed to be good news. She broke down emotionally, sobbing as she thanked me again and again. All of the stress and heartache she had been holding in for nearly two weeks came flooding out.

I nearly cried along with her. This case has taken its toll on me emotionally.

In my job, I have seen terrible things and I have helped couples make heartbreaking decisions. I always support them. This case was much harder. It went against my beliefs and crossed my internal comfort zone. It made me do a gut check. And I am still not sure how I feel.

I do know that if the results had been different, I would not be sleeping much tonight.