Caitlin

Caitlin is my little monkey. She's constantly moving, constantly getting into things and always causing trouble.

I try to spin it positive. She's active and inquisitive and spirited.

In all honesty, she is ornery.

Today, we got home at 6:30. This is after waking up at 5am, getting the girls out the door at 6am, long commute to work, long day at work, long commute home, quick trip to walmart for diapers and then picking the girls up at my parents' house (and the ensuing circus that is getting both of them into shoes/socks/jackets and into the car and buckled into their carseats - really its enough to make anyone want a stiff drink).

I troop the girls into the house feeling every bit like mom the pack mule as I am carrying my purse, Kiera's backpack, the tote bag with clothes that goes to grandma's every day and a walmart bag containing the diapers that I bought on the way home.

Mom the pack mule headed to the large recliner in the living room to unload everything before I suffered a shoulder injury.

In those few moments, Caitlin ran into the kitchen and opened the fridge. Yes, we have a fridge lock and it obviously needs to be replaced because it only took her 2 days to figure out how to open it.

She pulled out a pitcher of hubby's sugarfree koolaid and proceeded to drop it and spill it all over the floor.

I immediately grabbed the paper towels and began to clean it up. Thankfully, the pitcher was almost empty so it could have been worse.

While I was cleaning up that mess, the girls went in the living room and Kiera turned on the tv.

I walked into the living room - after taking only a few minutes to clean the kitchen spill - to find Caitlin drawing on our flat screen tv with an orange crayon.

And in true Caitlin fashion, when she knew I was coming after her (when I screamed "NOOOOooooooo!"), she drew faster and harder... until I wrestled the crayon from her strong little fingers.

This too shall pass. Right????

Sugar shock and October's last hurrah

So, I've been busy and MIA. The last two weeks of October were killer at work. We also had internet/router issues at home. Things seem to be back on track now.

Yesterday was Halloween. In keeping with one of the most beautiful Octobers ever, we had gorgeous weather... sunny and 70s during the day. It was still very comfortable at 6 pm when we headed out to trick or treat. My kids went out without coats on. Awesomeness.

I don't know if I ever got to trick or treat without a coat here in Missouri. I remember winter coats. I remember rain coats and boots. I remember one year it was windy and rainy and it blew my umbrella inside out. But I don't remember ever going out without at least a jacket.

The kids had a blast and came home with loads of candy. Now we begin the daily dance where the kids beg for candy and I try not to let them eat so much that they bounce off the walls and then have sugar crashes. Fun times.

Caitlin tried to say "trick or treat" but it never came out very understandable. She did go up to one door and hold out her bucket at the lady and say quite loudly and enthusiastically "candy!" And of course, that word came out crystal clear.

Caitlin was a ballerina, just like last year. She wore the same tulle skirt as last year. Though this year she wore Kiera's old leotard which is a size 4/5. Yep, she can already wear pretty much all of Kiera's old 4/5 size tops.

Kiera was a witch this year. I was surprised when she requested this, breaking her four year history of alternating ballerinas and princesses. Several weeks before Halloween we bought a witch makeup kit to paint her face green. It even came with a fake rubber nose. She refused to wear it, stating that she doesn't want to "look ugly." Sigh.

And of course, she got several compliments from several different houses about what a pretty witch she was. Work with me, people.

So, that's it. October is over. It was a glorious one, too. One of the most beautiful ones weather-wise that I can remember.

We are now in the official downward spiral into winter. Have I mentioned how much I hate winter??

Slow down...

Kids grow up too fast. Every parent knows it, but it bears repeating.... kids grow up TOO fast.

As I was unpacking the other day, I came across an old photo album of pictures from Kiera's birth and first year. Aside from noticing how much younger Chris and I looked, I was amazed at how much Kiera has changed. And I was amazed at how fast the time has gone.

(Caitlin enjoyed the album, too. She kept pointing at Kiera's baby pictures and saying "ME!" Funny girl.)

I flipped through the album and watched her grow from a newborn infant to a curious toddler. I found another album and saw the toddler grow into a preschooler. And while preschool seems like only a short time ago, she has changed so much since then.

She lost her second tooth just a few days ago. She seems to get taller and leaner every day. She cares more about her clothes and hair than she used to.

And today she brought home a gift from Joseph. Joseph is her current crush, who I get to hear a lot about. He gave her a rubber bracelet. She was proud of it, though a little embarassed to talk to me about it. It was all kinds of adorable.

*sigh*

Ah, baby girl. You're growing so fast. Its okay to slow down a little. Mommy won't mind.

Happy Anniversary

Happy anniversary to my partner in crime of over 12 years and my official ball-and-chain of 11 years. LOL. I love you so much.

Twelve years of memories...

The day of our first date, you went canoeing with friends beforehand. You left your keys in the wrong vehicle (the vehicle at the starting point instead of the ending point). Your mom, who I had not yet met, called me to tell me what happened and that you would be there eventually. And you did show up, hours late. And we had a great time.

The night we got engaged, I will never know how you managed to surprise me. Everyone knew you were proposing. Looking back on it, I should have known. We got dressed up and went to a very nice and very expensive restaurant in downtown Columbia (SC). You even told the wait staff and they sat us away from everyone to give us privacy. It was sweet and romantic and perfect.

The day of our wedding was a beautiful warm fall day in Columbia (SC). Our wedding was small by many people's standards, but it was perfect. The family and friends that we loved most were all there. Some of them drove a very long way to share the day with us. I felt so loved and so special. I remember later at the reception, wiping tears from your eyes as we danced our first dance to "Grow Old With Me" by Mary Chapin Carpenter.

The years moved quickly. Like any couple, we've had many ups and downs. We've had good times and bad times. We've lived in four states together as a couple: SC, FL, OH and MO. We have endured many moves, and several long distance moves across many states. But it didn't really matter where we were or how many times we moved to get there. Home was always where you were.

I remember the moment I learned of each pregnancy... all three of them. I remember how happy and excited were were each time. Losing the first pregnancy was total heartfail. But we got through it. Kiera joined us a year later. The adjustment to parenthood was difficult but wonderful. We were a family of three for four years. And then enter little Caitlin. She has added so much joy and spirit to our lives. We are so blessed.

So happy anniversary, baby. Thank you for the love and support and all of the years of memories. Here's to many more years of memories to come.

October

Ha, I just realized that my last post was SV Homecoming two weeks ago. Today was PHS Homecoming. Kiera has had spirit week all week and the parade was this evening. Caitlin was really jazzed this time since she now knows what to expect. She was literally bouncing on the street. So there was more waving at police cars, fire trucks, alumni and students driving by and lots more candy. We saw Kiera's teacher again, though this time she was watching and not in the parade. I saw my old assistant band director leading the band. Kiera was looking for Joseph again but we didn't see him this time. I also realized that my 20 year high school reunion is in two years and immediately felt old.

We've been busy in recent weeks. We moved again. It was a short move this time, just down the street to the other end of the complex. We are loving it here. It is roomy and spacious. It is more private and quiet. Now I am just dealing with the maddening task of unpacking. I should be good at it by now, though.

Anyway, October is here. I love October. It just may be my favorite month. October has it all... beautiful weather, gorgeous colors, crisp air, the smell of burning leaves (I love that smell), parades, Octoberfest and Halloween.

I love when the weather gets cool and I can start to wear my sweaters and sweatshirts and jackets consistently. But the great thing about October is that we will still get a few random really warm days that are just gorgeous. Perfection.


And another great thing about October is that we actually appreciate these days more because we've had a taste of the cool weather. We know these beautiful days are numbered (as we head into winter) and we cherish them.

Today was one of those days... sunny and warm but without the strangling humidity of summer. I absolutely cherished it as I stood and watched my girls brimming with excitement at the parade. They giggled and smiled and jumped and scooped up candy like there was no tomorrow. No jackets and the little one even wore her summer sandals. Not a care in the world, just soaking up the sunshine.

So, welcome October. I am always glad to see you.

Homecoming parade

Tonight was the SV Homecoming parade. Kiera gets so excited for this every year along with PHS homecoming. I call this part of the year candypalooza.... two homecoming parades and Halloween in a month equals tons of candy in our house.

This year, Kiera has a new competitor in the candy-grabbing game. Caitlin. And Caitlin loves candy.

It was really fun to see Caitlin at the parade this year. She waved at the police cars and fire trucks with a big grin on her face as she said "truck. lights. car. lights."

She squealed and clapped as the bands marched by.

And yes, she grabbed her share of the candy that was thrown her way. She also tried to shove it in her mouth as fast as possible before I took it away from her instead of putting it into her bag.

Kiera made quite the haul. She was very pleased. We saw her teacher on one of the alumni trucks. We saw many friends ride by in the parade.

We even saw her little friend, Joseph, march by with his cub scout pack. I hear a lot about Joseph and apparently Joseph's mom hears a lot about Kiera. Her teacher told me at parent-teacher conference that she thinks the only reason Joseph comes to school is to see Kiera.

I can't wait to do it all over again in two weeks for PHS homecoming.

Her choice

She sat on the couch in my office and looked at me shyly. She was a small-framed woman, dressed simply, wearing no makeup. She was 28 but looked much, much older. I wondered about the pain that was evident behind her eyes.

She knew little of the testing that had brought her to me. She was very interested in what I had to say, hanging on my every word. I saw something new in her eyes. Hope.

She spoke to me in broken, heavily accented English. She pleaded with me to understand. She tried to explain. You don't understand. Its different where I'm from. He is my ticket out of that place. I have to give him what he wants. I already have two girls. I love my children. I have to protect them.

She is right. I don't understand. As a woman, the thought of what she has lived through angers and depresses me. As a mother of two girls, the situation she finds herself in sickens me.

In her culture, women are valued for their ability to serve men and their ability to produce children. Especially male children. As I looked at this woman on my couch, I had a passing hatred for this man that I did not and will likely never meet. I realize that this is judgemental. He, too, is a product of his culture. But I hate him for what he has done to this woman. I shudder to think of what will happen to her if she doesn't "give him what he wants."

I told her that it didn't matter if I understood. The testing was available and she was legally free to do with the results what she wanted. It was her choice. A choice that I fully support. I would not judge her for her choice. She thanked me profusely for my kindness during this frightening and emotional process.

Did I tell her the truth? Would I really not judge her for her choice?

I do understand that she is from a different culture. I appreciate the fact that she is protecting herself and her children.

But to consider what she would actually do if the baby was the wrong gender.... that is very hard to accept. I couldn't make that choice. But the choice is not mine to make. I don't live her life. I have no idea what her life is even like.

This patient weighed heavily on my heart and mind for nearly two weeks. I thought of her often. I dreaded the day that the results would come. If the results were what she considered bad news, how in the world would I make that call? How would I feel afterwards, knowing her choice?

The results came in today. I opened the file on my computer with dread and anticipation. My eyes took in the words that I immediately sought.

Relief. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.

I called her to give her what she deemed to be good news. She broke down emotionally, sobbing as she thanked me again and again. All of the stress and heartache she had been holding in for nearly two weeks came flooding out.

I nearly cried along with her. This case has taken its toll on me emotionally.

In my job, I have seen terrible things and I have helped couples make heartbreaking decisions. I always support them. This case was much harder. It went against my beliefs and crossed my internal comfort zone. It made me do a gut check. And I am still not sure how I feel.

I do know that if the results had been different, I would not be sleeping much tonight.

80's Dance Party

It isn't often that I really let loose and have fun. Life is busy. Life is stressful. I am an adult, after all.

So tonight, while browsing through the Yahoo music stations, I came upon the 80's station. I don't know what made me choose it, its not something I would normally listen to. But I am so glad that I did. I heard songs that I loved and had long forgotten... but songs that transported me back to the days of slumber parties and junior high dances.

I cranked up the music and the girls and I danced in the living room. Kiera and I totally got our groove on. Caitlin was very excited and jumped and twirled around the room squealing. There's something very freeing about just dancing uninhibited. It made me feel younger and lighter. I didn't care if I looked silly or dorky. Thankfully, my kids are still too young to realize mom is dorky.

The music brought back so many memories of growing up, spending time with friends, hanging out at dances, checking out the cute boys. I watched Kiera dancing and laughing and thought about how she will build her own similar memories so very soon. I want her to have good memories when she is dancing around 30 years from now with her own kids.

So what began as an impromptu thing to pass the time on Saturday night will hopefully become a regular event at our house. I loved seeing the girls laugh and have fun with mom. And I really enjoyed feeling like a kid again. I am also hoping I am not too sore when I get up in the morning...

Animal crackers in the fish tank

Its 7:00 PM and we were in the kitchen. We had finished supper. Kiera and I were sitting at the table working on her homework (reading word flash cards). Chris was putting dishes in the dishwasher.

What is missing from this equation?

I realized who was missing and at the same time realized that I couldn’t hear her (and that’s NEVER a good sign). Where’s Caitlin?

Chris found her in the living room… putting animal crackers in the fish tank. Luckily he caught her right away and was able to remove the soggy cookies quickly.

Her reasoning? “Fish hungry.”

Well, can we blame her? She watches all of us feed the fish and she thought they were hungry. She’s so sweet. Later in the evening, I caught her watching the fish intently with her face an inch from the glass. She leaned in and kissed the glass several times. So sweet, indeed.

I am Toddler, hear me roar

My 25 month-old always keeps me on my toes. I never quite know if I will be subjected to one of her good moods or her bad moods, if she will eat or not eat, if she will get along with her sister or fight over any and every little thing, if she will nap or fight off sleep with every fiber of her being. Her moodiness has gotten worse lately and she has also been working on perfecting the toddler staple: the temper tantrum.

Yesterday started out like any other. She awoke at 7am and crawled into bed with me to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She drank her milk and watched her friends on MMCH use Mouska-tools and go on crazy adventures (and defy the laws of gravity and physics and all the other sciences too probably). Things were going well. Then the girls went downstairs and Kiera was fawning over her new fish tank. Caitlin, in typical form, got grabby and started to touch the tank and flip the lid open and try to turn the light on and off. This irritates Kiera who tells her to back off and then the fights ensue. So by 8am, I was breaking up fights in front of the fish tank. Then we got dressed. Well, Caitlin didn’t like the outfit that I picked out so she screamed. We eventually compromised on an outfit.

We were planning a picnic in the park – a park I knew had a playground structure – so I pulled her tennis shoes out of her closet. As soon as she saw the shoes, she cried and screamed “NO!” She pointed at her pink and purple crocs. She loves the crocs and wants to wear them all the time. I tried to tell her that she needed to wear the tennis shoes to play outside. I told her that if she wanted to see grandma and grandpa at the park, she needed to wear the tennis shoes. I know, trying to rationalize with a toddler is stupid. I know. So she threw the tennis shoes at me while screaming red-faced. I realized that I was going to have to wrestle her to get the crocs off her feet so I decided to deflect… probably not the best method but the best I could do at the time. She agreed to putting the tennis shoes in her backpack and bringing them along… guaranteeing me another tantrum later when we arrived at the park.

I was able to get the tennis shoes on her when we got into my parents car and left for the park. It was a fight, but I did it. As she always does, she pulled the tennis shoes and socks off in the car. So I had to battle her all over again upon arriving at the park.

Yesterday was a beautiful day with perfect picnic weather. It was so gorgeous. We went to a local city park that has a nice playground. There were little horses on springs for kids to ride on, swings and a monstrous climbing structure with slides and ladders and all that jazz. My dad brought his portable grill to make hot dogs and we also brought baked beans and chips. These are all things that Caitlin loves (and note to the food police: I know these aren’t healthy foods to feed my kids, thank you very much). We let the kids play while dad grilled the hot dogs. Of course, she didn’t want to leave the play area when it was time to eat so cue tantrum #1. When I finally got her to sit at the table, she refused to eat (tantrum #2). She also refused to sit still on the picnic table bench (tantrum #3) and eventually she fell off of it backwards (tantrum #4). Since she refused to eat, I wouldn’t let her return to the playground area until we had finished eating –so that someone could go with her to supervise. Enter tantrum #5. And when I say tantrum, I mean full-on throw body on the ground, kick, scream at top of lungs tantrum. We were very close to a pavilion where a group of people were gathering for what looked like a birthday party. So these total strangers watched as I dealt with this screaming child for what seemed like forever.

So what was supposed to be a nice picnic in the great weather with my loving family, turned into me eating as much as I could as fast as I could so that I could deal with Caitlin, who seemed to scream the entire time we were there.

She did eventually get to go back to the playground, accompanied by my mom. Caitlin took off running in the other direction –toward the pavilion people, who probably considered calling CPS – and my mom called after her and tried to grab her. Caitlin yelled “don’t get me!” and as my mom got her, she threw herself to the ground to complete tantrum #6. As she went down she yelled, “Kiera help me!” I’m not sure why she thought Kiera would help her. Kiera, who was on the swings ignoring her sister’s antics, just yelled in a bored voice “Get up!” It was the funniest thing ever. Even my mom, who was watching tantrum #7 unfold at her feet, laughed.

Tantrum #8 occurred when it was time to leave, of course.

When we got back to my parent’s house, there was some of the usual whininess and fights with Kiera over toys. This is to be expected. When it was time to go home, tantrum #9 reared its ugly head. And it was a doozy. I eventually had to carry her from their house kicking and screaming and manhandle her to get her buckled into our car. She screamed the entire car ride home, which was a very long 10 minutes.

If there is any positive side to this (and believe me, I looked hard for that silver lining), she was exhausted by bedtime and fell asleep rather quickly. I relaxed for the first time all day.

I know there will be days like this. I know its her age and its to be expected. I know she can’t communicate as well as she wants to and she can’t control her emotions. I know she’s pushing boundaries and trying to assert her independence.

I try to be as patient as possible, which isn’t my forte. I try to stay calm. I’m not all that good at it, but I am trying. I love my daughter to death and while I watch her tantrum I try to think about how she feels. Heck, I’ve been known to throw a tantrum or two on really bad days. But yesterday just felt like my initiation into toddlerhood with child #2. Fun times are ahead, for sure.

September 11

Today is September 11... a day of sad memories for all Americans. My husband and I were talking today about how we can't believe its been 9 years since that tragic day. We remember it so clearly, as do most. I remember where I was when I heard the news. I remember what I did next and how I spent my day. I remember how I felt - all of the confusion, anger, sadness, fear.

Our lives were very different then. We had been married just under 2 years. We lived in Cleveland, Ohio on the 18th floor of a high-rise apartment building on Lake Erie. We had no children. Its hard for me to even remember life before my kids. But on that day, I was glad to not have to explain the horrific event to an innocent child since I couldn't even begin to understand it myself. We spent that evening in a local church praying with strangers. It felt right when nothing else felt right at all. A day of so much pain, loss and grief...

Nine years later, I spent the day doing things with my family... just enjoying my loved ones. I awoke to the sounds of my rambunctious 2-year-old...our home bustling with the activity that is unique to the very young (those with all the energy)... no alarm clock needed. Later in the morning, we had a Daisy girl scout meeting for Kiera's troop and we performed the rededication ceremony. As a coleader, I strive to instill in eleven 6-7 year olds concepts such as kindess, compassion, helpfulness, respect, sisterhood, strength, self-confidence, courage and bravery. No small feat, that. But by helping these girls to become good people and strong women, I invest in their future and the future of my community.

After that, hubby and I took the girls to the local SE state fair. This is family fun at its best... rides, games and oh my, FOOD. We ate and rode and baked in the sun. Hubby played a game and won two goldfish. And as a typical overworked mom, my first reaction was "great, something else for me to feed and clean up after!" I was really irritated with him for doing this... while Kiera and I were riding the scrambler and I was powerless to stop him. But the girls were so excited. How could I say no, right?

So, we stopped at the store on the way home and bought a small fish tank, rocks, food, pump and all the fixings for a nice new home for our new pets. All of this for two carnival goldfish who came out of a cooler full of hundreds of fish. They now have quite the sweet setup. The girls are in love. And I have to admit, I like the fish too. Watching them swim and listening to the water bubble through the tank is relaxing. Our new goldfish are named Edward and Jacob. I made it very clear that Kiera and her father are to be responsible for Edward and Jake... feeding, cleaning and all that stuff. Yeah, wish me luck with that.

For supper, we cooked out with my parents. We are very close to them and love spending time with them. I love the fact that my children are so close to their grandparents. A perfect ending to a nice day.

But after the kids went to bed, I went online and read some articles about 9/11 and shed a few tears (okay, more than a few) for all of those who were taken from us and will never again get to experience a day like the one I had today. Such a tragedy. Reflect, pray, be thankful and never, ever take anything for granted.

Intro

Yep, I'm going to do it. I'm starting a blog. Everyone else is doing it, so can I. Why not, right? What in the world do I have to offer, you might ask (and I know some of you are asking that very question right now)? I don't know. I am hoping that this blog will be a way for me to communicate with friends and family and be an outlet for me to practice my love for writing. Those who know me well are snickering at their computer screens right about now. Yes, I hear you. You are mentally taking bets on how long this will last before I lose interest or more realistically, I realize I don't have time for it. We shall see.

Who am I? I am 36, married, working full-time and raising two beautiful girls (hence the sugar and spice). Kiera is 6 and in the first grade. Caitlin is 2 and very much a handful. Which is sugar and which is spice? They are each a bit of both. Kiera is strong-willed and stubborn. Caitlin is a mischevous little imp. She is fully embracing "I'M TWO!" with gusto. But both can be kind and sweet and have little hearts of gold. I have no experience raising boys, but I can tell you raising girls is full of challenges, headaches, heartaches.... love, pride and oh so many rewards.

So come with me through my adventures of life and love and parenting and work and weaving it all together. I will try not to use this blog as a soapbox to vent (I hear the snickering again, friends... you know me well).